Magic words: why Harry Potter should have been French.

In learning any foreign language, you can tell when you have made a significant breakthrough from one level to another. For example, when you move from simple past, present and future tenses to the fancier compound conjugations, your ability to fully express yourself moves forward tremendously. Similarly, when you realize that you know several words to express what you are trying to say and can pick and choose among them, then you are getting that much closer to being able to fine-tune your ideas the way you would in your native tongue.

I recently made such a leap in my French language skills when I realized that many French terms I am coming across do not mean what they appear to mean at first glance. If taken at face value, all real meaning is lost. But with enough familiarity, generally acquired through copious amounts of trial and error, the true meanings of such terms can be discovered. I think of these apparently mundane but actually very powerful bits of vocabulary to be my French magic words.

French magic words are like the spells that you may recognize from J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series—they may be used either offensively or defensively. So in order to master them, which I have not done, but hope to one day accomplish, you must recognize the spells being used against you and know what spells to use in return as defensive weapons.

In Harry Potter’s wizarding world, many spells can offset or counteract each other. The spell levicorpus, for example, leaves its victims dangling by their ankles, whereas liberacorpus is its counter-spell, freeing the victim, as Harry himself had to do in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, when he inadvertently levicorpus’ed his friend Ron. Learn these things in French and you can work equal wonders, even just to get out of trouble that you’ve created for yourself.

As an aside, I should say that part of the reason for this back-and-forth of offensive and defensive spells in the French language has to do with the nature of many of the exchanges that we expats have in France. As clueless outsiders, we are told non even more often than locals.

As clueless outsiders, we are told non even more often than locals. Quotation

Whether this is coming from a bank teller, a waiter or a storekeeper, it is important to first recognize that most people eventually get what they’re asking for from that bank teller, waiter or storekeeper, but have to be patient and linguistically dexterous enough to go through a few rounds of non to turn it into a peut-être or maybe even a oui.

Again, I don’t pretend to be an expert, but let me offer my limited linguistic wizardry wisdom for your consideration:

The French word normalement does not mean “normally”. It would be better translated as “generally speaking” or “in most cases”. You will often hear this spell cast by a French official, retailer or service provider who is trying to wriggle out of having to do something for you. For example, normalement you cannot open a bank account without X, Y and Z documents already in hand. Many expats unknowingly ignore this word and think, “oh, then I can’t open the bank account,” only later realizing that often the bank account is itself a pre-requisite for obtaining documents X, Y and Z, which the bank knows; so they end up back at the bank a few days later and things somehow suddenly work out, leaving the expat baffled and angry.

Instead of ignoring the word normalement, translate it in your head as an invitation to pick apart the rule. So in the bank situation, a quick-witted expat will hear this normalement and say, “Aha, perhaps the rule is that generally speaking, I need X, Y and Z before opening my account, but what if X, Y and Z require that I first have an account open?” In that bank teller’s mind, the general rule has thus remained intact and you have carved out a loophole, which they will often let you jump right on through.

Other terms should also be red flags for you that someone is setting you up for a “general rule” that is going to keep you from accomplishing what you’re out to do. Two examples that come to mind are à priori and en principe. Counter-act them in the same way that you would handle normalement.

Finally, there is one catch-all defensive counter-spell in the French language that negates the offensive linguistic wizardry that may be thrown your way. It is much like the wizarding world’s finite incantatem spell, which reverses the effects of all sorts of spells. Once again, this is a spell that Harry used to save his friend Ron, who always seems to be getting into trouble, when another spell was used on him in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Even if you don’t have a weasel of a friend like Ron to always get out of trouble, you will find this handy in Muggle-world France: the magic word you need to know is exceptionnellement.

Here is how exceptionnellement works: you go through all of your back-and-forth arguments about whether or not X, Y and Z are prerequisites for your bank account or the other way around. When you have exhausted all other options and are at an absolute impasse, you admit defeat, thank the person for such a thorough explanation of your ineptness and inadequacy, but then you take out your one final card, the one you’ve been hiding in your pocket all along. You say that even though you understand that the rule says you need X, Y and Z before opening the account and that you admit that you fall squarely within that rule, could we just make an exception, just this once? This is where you lay on your sappy arguments about how badly you need the account—your employer wants to pay you, your landlord wants the rent, you kitty-cat desperately needs a heart transplant. It doesn’t matter much what the actual reasons are, as long as they move your listener. Then, even though you both agree that you are completely unworthy and it would violate every rule in the book, nine times out of ten, exceptionnellement rushes in and saves the day.

And your inner Ron Weasley will thank you.