In the U.S., there is a saying:  the customer is always right.  In France, there is a saying:  le client est roi.  Translation: the customer is king.  King.  Royalty.  A purple-velvet-clad, gold-crowned, plump old fellow being waited on hand and foot.  Jewels.  Meade.  Horses.  Carriages.  Yoemen Warders. 

But this is France. 

There is no royalty. 

They killed them. 

And this should be a clue as to what the saying really means. 

True, the way French businesses treat their customers may not be as bad as the guillotine (which French people will tell you actually isn't painful at all), but it can be painfully bad for those of us who are (were?) used to always being right, even when we aren't.  

I had been warned about this.  I had been told to always try clothes on in the store to make certain that they fit before making a purchase because you don't want to attempt to return something.  This goes for clothes, but it's good advice for any purchase:  Retro toaster.  Cool hairdryer.  Rotten meat. 

What I had not realized was that the customer is wrong not just at BHV or Darty, but also with other sectors of the French economy, like EDF and SNCF.  Et en plus, it's even wrong within the customer service departments of those places, which makes you wonder why customer service departments even exist in the first place.

Last week my Internet connection went out.  Temporary problem, I thought.  But then I picked up the phone to make a call and the line was dead.  After unplugging and re-plugging various lines, I got out my Neuf Cegetel "guidebook" (a hefty one sheet of paper) and examined my dead livebox. 

Sheet of paper tells me how to access my Neuf admin page. 

Cleverly, the user name of the admin page is admin and the password of the admin page is admin.  Please tell me that's geek humor and not French.  After typing admin and admin on the admin page, I performed a series of tests-one on my telephone line, one on my modem and one on my router-to find the source of the problem. 

Strangely, everything checked out fine.

Finally I found the source of the problem.  I was experiencing a Code_6: the remote server is not responding.  Oh.  The Neuf server was down.  That makes sense. 

So I decided to be good citizen and use my cell phone to call them to report the outage.  How confrontational can this get?  It would be me helping them.  After calling three different numbers and being put on hold for 36,000 minutes, I finally got to talk to a techie. 

Gwen: Hi there.  I just wanted to let you know that my Internet connection and phone line are down.  I unplugged and then plugged back in my computer, phone and modem about four or five times and then opened my browser and went to my admin page, where I performed a series of three tests, twice, which showed that everything is fine.  I rebooted my livebox twice and then I found out, on the remote information page, that you currently have a "Code 6" and that the remote server is down.  So I wanted to call and report the outage to you. 

Techie:  We have no report of an outage in your area currently. 

Gwen: Okay.  Well, I'm calling to report one now, then. 

Techie:  There is no outage in your area. 

Gwen: Okay.  I'm just calling to let you know there's a Code 6.

Techie:  Can you unplug your computer?

Gwen:  Um, ‘kay.  I guess I could. 

Techie:  Mademoiselle, unplug your computer. 

The techie talked me through every little diligently performed pre-call task.  This did not result in a different, um, result. 

Finally, Code 6 appears again.

Gwen: Okay, so I'm getting a Code 6: the remote server is down.  I'm assuming that means there's a problem on your end and, like I said before, I was just calling to report the outage.

In case you're wondering, the French word for outage is panne.  And for someone who does not work in telephony, I've become too familiar with it. 

Techie:  Mademoiselle, there is no panne. 

Gwen: I have no Internet or telephone connection and the admin page tells me that there is no problem.

Techie:  Yes, Mademoiselle, I know there is no problem.  Why exactly are you calling?

So next time you think you're king, remember what Gingerbread Man told Prince Charming in Shrek the Third: the only thing you're ever going to be king of is king of the stupids!