France announces new train:

The EGV (Ethique Grande Vitesse).

We decided to make the most of the hot start to silly season on the notorious RER (Paris suburban train) Line B that links Europe's premier hub, CDG airport, with Paris' infamous Gare du Nord station, heralding delays upwards of two hours, traditionally occurring from May, several times per week, whilst trains are packed to the hilt with temperatures reaching 50c in the summer, and passengers push, jostle and curse at each other in a décor of wall-to-wall graffiti and trash, wherein rappers and drug dealers meet with vacationing pensioners and city slickers, spilled beer mingles with puddles of urine, and the fragrant scents of vomit and marijuana rise up, amid sweaty bodies.

Trapped in this swaying shop window of France which connects the country's major airport, Charles de Gaulle, known for some reason as "Roissy" to Parisians, perhaps indeed in hommage to the village which used to stand on those plains before the arrival of the Caravelles and, later, 747s and A380s, veritable first impactful impression of and introduction to France for the international traveller, we thought we'd ask around passengers, whilst sitting between stations listening to the pre-recorded message which daily barks ‘The train has stopped between stations. Do not open the doors', for a few opinions on the quality of service.

"OK you say the service is bad here but do you think it is better in London? Englande ? Zéglande !! At least we have a direct connection between the hairport and the capital."

"Zat's right. ‘Ze Franch is a leading country and we sell the transport to the ‘ole world. Everybodi buy it from us and everybodi know ‘ze Franch système is ‘ze best in the whorl. Que c'est bon d'être français ! Regarde l'Airbus, par exemple."

"I don't know. The English would not allow this delays to happen. They would have a supplementary security English complementary system of dispositives and a modality of the implementation on the augmented suppression of the in England situation for the Anglo Saxons. It could not arrive. I speak Wall Street."

"I don't know, the great thing about France is, when we lose, we always act like we win. It's génial !"

"The France is the 4^th most powerful country in the world. That is why we have such a good public transports. France is a success story. We are star, like on Star Academy. Look at the United State - who is laughing now - now they are eating even their shoes, while in the France we have a good beef, no ‘amburgeur. I go to the Hippopotamus restaurant tonight. Do they have that in America, hein ?! As for the train, they have not such a transport. And no goude security. Everybody have guns là bas but in France I see never hany gun."

"Yes, the problem with the ‘Ricains is, they have too many hidies. They are always talking nya nya nya and they have mani hideaz but zeir har never enough sériouse. That is the problem. In France we do not have any idea. We take only the eye dee of one another one pipeul. It is better, you see. Like that. We have more sérieux. I was in Milan today. Milan is in Italia. It was a professional trip. I go for my job. It is a professional displacement for the administration, you know. Many passenger here are not professional. They are only particulars."

"France is a very sériouse country which is why we have a big power in the world. America, it is true, today the failure's one of country, and thanks in part at least I suppose to Georg WC Buisson, is not enough sériouse. Always joking, han han han, and they smile in the photographies. In France, we never smile in photographie moment or any the such sériouse occasion, and we always wear big, thick-rimmed, square, black glasses. Everybodi wear them. That's why France is great. It's very sériouse. It give very good one image to the world. And the train is another dispositive, for person to go to the work."

"It may be La Merde, but at least it's la merde from where we come from. Not the foreigner Merde. C'est la merde bien de chez nous ! "

"You permit yourself to speak of these things, Monsieur, but I asked you ‘pardon' because you use an Anglo-Saxon word, and you do not explain me. At least here on France, nous, we are polite. If you don't like it here, you should go back to your foreigner country bordel d'immigrés and leave us in peace. You come here and everything is gratuitous for you. Go to home and see how you like it. Franch people works very hard for you, you should show your gratefool at least. Instead of use all your words that terminates in "'s". Such as McDonald's, Jean's, Planning's, Jogging's, Stretching's, Pin's, Dispatching's, Baladin's, Pep'sis, and Bin's. That's what this train is, yes - eh oui ! ... it's the bin's."

"I say, Vive la France. You say me, in Sheen [China], there have goude economy, but they are working for $1 for day, which is worth nothing compare at the Euro, he is very superior, and when the people are die, they not bury them. Normally, they heat them. Just to beating us. At least even the arabes have sentiments. By example, the Sheenie eat his mother, or, if not, their dog. This état d'affaires cannot continue indefinitely. They will see what it is like when the worker get tired and start to ask for the basic right, like appartment, good food, or Vélib. It is interdit to compete with France, and they should be punis, punished, for what they do, because is not fair to the France. The American never protect us."

"You can take your McDonald and you know where you can stick it. In France, we heat ‘ze camembert, ripe and mature and complete with the asticots (worms)."

"You say in France is bad, but look at USA. In Paris, we have the goude place for live and in the Stét people are living in the tente. Beh, I saw it on TV. The French TV is made by the scientific person, very serious. I do not like USA. It say nothing to me. I never go there."

"Sarko nous a bien enculés, et nous, qu'est-ce qu'on aime ça." said a harrowed looking, retirement-age woman in a purple polyester all-in-one, picking her nose and smoothing her upright hair pointed in all directions from an apparent electric shock.

Another man, with a pitted red-face and expansive handlebar moustache, added, "Ouais, mon cul. Putain alors. Merde, Putain. Putain, mon cul, alors. Mon putain de cul. Mon cul de bordel de putain de merde de fils de pute, alors. Putain de bordel de merde. Fils de putes de..."