French Tease

By Mollie Coyne

Our French Encyclopedia:  We Invented That!

A few years ago in Amsterdam, we went to one of those ubiquitous English-speaking stand-up comedy clubs.  At one point, one of the comedians asked the audience for some help with material.  He wanted an unlikely combination of career and nationality.  I, being a smart-aleck back then (I'm completely reformed now), immediately yelled out "French Astronaut!"  The comedian took it and ran with it and came up with this great skit about some lazy Parisian trying to drink wine in a pressure suit. 

Everyone laughed. 

Everyone except for the defeated-looking man at the table to my right, who turned to me and said in a really thick French accent, "Why?  Why must everyone make fun of us?  What did we do to deserve zees?  Why eez zees funny to you?"  I shook my head and pointed at my ear in a so-sorry-there's-too-much-noise-I-can't-hear-you gesture.  The truth is I didn't want to answer him.  Other than Captain Jean-Luc Picard, I have a really, really hard time picturing Frenchies achieving huge, monumental tasks such as conquering the final frontier because, oh, they take a nation-wide strike every three-point-four days, which kinda gets in the way of work, especially if it has to do with transportation.  And besides, Jean-Luc Picard is actually English. 

(And before you send me your hate mail, please remember that I've written before about how I know the French really are the most productive people on the entire planet save for like Norwegians or somebody.)

When we lived in Washington, D.C., we would often take out-of-town visitors to the National Air and Space Museum.  In a glass display, overshadowed by towering missiles, is a little orange suit that was worn by Yuri Gagarin.  It was his SK-1 pressure suit.  The sign reads something along the lines of This suit was worn by Yuri Gagarin, the first man in space. 

If you're ever really hard up for stuff to do in D.C., just go hang out by that display.  You'll hear American after American read that sign over and over again and wonder aloud, "Hey, now that just don't make no sense.  I know John Glenn was the first man on the moon!  Honey, come over here and look at this sign, it says righchere that a Rooskie did it."  I've heard this many times. 

Incidentally, Gagarin holds the key to the city where I currently live.  They call him Youri Gagarine.  And I live on Lenin Street.  But enough about my little workers' paradise. 

When I think back to my childhood education, two themes stand out: number one, Americans did pretty much everything that needed to be done and invented everything that needed to be invented--from founding our country to finding the moon.  And, number two, those poor little Soviet Union kids on the other side of the planet had textbooks that were full of lies, full of ‘em, I tell ya, that claimed that the Russians did all that stuff.  Like inventing the car, the plane, even the jump rope and, quite possibly, the MoonPie.  Those poor children, I remember thinking, being lied to by their government, forced to learn untruths.  What will happen when they realize, as adults, that Americans did all that stuff?  Boy, they're in for a shock! 

Then we moved to France.

Every Christmas in France, kiddie encyclopedias spring up in bookstores and grandes-surfaces.  It's a popular gift item, which is great because it's a book.  It's educational.  I bought one. 

Turns out, it's a thick, nationalistic stocking stuffer. 

We flipped through it on Christmas morning, where I went through the five stages of grief all in one sitting.

Starting with denial:  Who wrote this crud?  Where are they getting this information?  They have been so duped.  This is all wrong.  Nothing in here is right.  How very strange that someone published it.  

Take the automobile.  We all know an American invented the automobile.  His name was Henry Ford.  Henry Ford invented the car.  Everyone and his cousin knows that.  Ford also invented the assembly line so that he could make everyone a car.  Kinda like a chicken in every pot.  A car in every garage.  Ford did all that.  It was his campaign promise.  So why does my kids' French encyclopedia claim that a French engineer by the name of Nicolas-Joseph Cugnot invented the automobile in the 18^th century? 

To anger:  I can't believe I bought some history book made in another country!  Trying to give my kids a good, well-rounded education and I end up teaching them that French people make the world go ‘round.  Why is this happening to me? 

Take the computer.  We all know Steve Jobs invented that.  In his garage.  While other kids his age were making off-key music in theirs, he was quietly changing the world.  Not according to this encyclopedia.  According to this encyclopedia, the "ordinateur" was invented by François Girard.  Dude, they are seriously just talking about the word "ordinateur", not the actual thing, the computer.  François invented the word, so he gets credit in the encyclopedia of the history of the world according to France for inventing the computer.  Oh, come on, that is so typical.  Like it's really important who came up with the word that the Académie Française accepted!  Dammit, my kids are gonna think France invented the computer. 

To bargaining:  If I keep the book, I can use it for vocabulary lessons instead of history lessons.  Or maybe I'll just use the pictures and translate the captions into English according to my version of the events.

Take steel.  Steel was invented by some guy in Pennsylvania.  Everyone knows that.  He built railroads and stuff and was one of those philanthropists.  People called him a "tycoon".  Now there's a football or basketball team by the name of the Pittsburgh Steelers.  Steelers as in steel.  Steel is as American as apple pie.  Nay, nay.  It, too, was invented by the French:  by a man named Léon Guillet in the early 1900s.  So on page 253, I'm going to scratch out his name under his picture and replace it with the name "Andrew Carnegie". 

To depression:  Is the situation really this dire?  Did I really grow up believing I was from the greatest nation on earth, only to find out that we are mere slovenly rednecks next to the French?  Maybe I should just do myself in.  With a guillotine.  Oh please don't tell me the French invented that, too. 

Take the airplane.  Ohio and North Carolina fight it out on their license plates as to which state is home to aviation:  Birthplace of Aviation vs. First in Flight.  They've both lost.  According to our French encyclopedia, it was France.  France beat them long before the Wright brothers were even born with a whole slew of really long and distinguished names such as Jean-Marie Le Bris, Félix du Temple, Joseph-Michel Montgolfier, Jacques-Étienne Montgolfier, Jean-François Pilâtre de Rozier, François Laurent d'Arlandes, and last, but not least, Clément Ader. 

You mean North Carolina's whole "First in Flight" motto is a lie?  All one big lie?  Yep. 

And finally to acceptance:  I'm kidding, I'm not accepting any of this.  I'm replacing acceptance with defeat.  The new final stage of grief:  Defeat.  So:  To defeat:  Fine, fine, have it your way.  We Americans didn't invent everything. 

Take animation.  Every good American knows who invented the cartoon.  This one is so obvious, I won't even say it.  The French claim to have invented animation a gazillion years before Mickey.  It's just like the section on aviation--the list of names and inventions is just way too long.  From Pierre Desvignes' zoetrope to Charles-Émile Reynaud's praxinoscope to Émile Cohl's fantasmagorie and last, but not least, the Lumière brothers and their fancy little cameras. 

France thinks it invented animation.  Which means it's time to put the book away. 

What do we do with this novel information?  Do we remain open-minded and teach our kids that the French invented the world?  Heck no!  I'm sticking to the original plan A:  Henry Ford invented the car, Steve Jobs invented the computer (Bill Gates stole his ideas), Wilbur and Orville invented the airplane, Walt Disney invented animation, and Ben Franklin and Thomas Edison invented everything else you could possibly think of. 

So now we've taken to actively inundating our kids with American history.  As I've admitted before, we tend to heavily rely on the family Simpsons for this.  We were watching The Simpsons movie the other night and it starts out with Itchy and Scratchy landing on the moon. 

Andy hits pause.  He turns to the kids:  See, kids.  Americans landed on the moon first.  In fact, we're the only ones who have ever even been to the moon.  See that flag?  Who can tell me which flag that is? 

They all mumble "France?"  No.  No, no, no.  That's the American flag.  America.  Andy launches into his lecture about the number of stars and stripes, colonialism and the Lords-Proprietor of the 17^th century.  When the kids' eyes gloss over, he hits play again. 

We watch in horror as Itchy takes the flagpole and rams it through Scratchy's stomach several times.  Jab.  Jab.  Jab, jab, jab.

Andy hits pause again.  Kids, um, this is not actually how it happened.